Kosong-kosong

My Mum is an English teacher at a secondary school in Malaysia. She thinks that all her children should have a higher education than her. I second her on that. I wanted to be better. I want to do well.

"Kalau Ummi belajar sampai degree kat Canada, anak-anak Ummi mesti lah tinggi dari tu. Masters ke PhD ke."

I always imagined myself studying abroad for my tertiary level education. I haven't given up yet.

I wanted to be a Veterinarian since I was 14 years old. I think decided on that after I brought home a stray and took care of her. She was still a baby.

My Mum can't imagine myself being a Veterinarian. She had always see me being an English teacher or even an accountant; seeing that my SPM result turn out A+s for English, Maths and Addmaths.

I was stubborn. I didn't want to be a teacher because I know how she has always have to juggle time for her students at school and us at home. She rarely cooks but had fed us well. I didn't want to be an accountant even though I like numbers. I told her that I want to study at UPM, then somehow having my degree or Masters in Australia. I even look up online for Universities that offer Veterinary Medicine. It was a foggy plan but I believe in it. I was confident that someday my plans would work out.

She gave in on me being a Vet but I can't study in UPM because I got a campus in Bintulu. I had never been away from my family before and my Mum had just become my best friend. So, we settled for a foundation in Entrepreneurial Science  which she told me that I can further my degree in Vet later. I was thrilled and scared and excited all at the same time.

When my Grandma asked me what am I gonna study later, I told her I'm gonna be a Vet.

She laughed.

Like it was the silliest thing ever.

"Ingatkan jadi doktor orang. Rupanya doktor haiwan."

I walled up. It hurt a little and I told myself that it wont get to me. Somehow its become etched in my memory.

After three semesters there in foundation, I obtained dean's list for every semester.

"I showed them.", I told myself, feeling smug.

Then it comes the sad part. Dean's list pun tak layak jadi Vet? Penipu.

I feel betrayed and sick. I fell into my second choice course.

Fast forward, three semesters later, my Mum asked me again. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

I was glad she asked. "No."

First day back to Semester 4, I already told my roomies. I want something else. For the entire semester I look up schools for fashion design. Uitm? Kolej Komuniti? London Fashion School?

I was sad to leave my friends but I know I would be sadder to say goodbye to my dream. At the end, my friends would be happy with their own job and life. Where as I might leave some part of me behind. I can't let that happen again. I'm gonna be better. I'm going to be strong.

I never thought I would have this second chance at trying.

I build up new dreams. I set up new goals. I drafted my whole life plan. But I am better prepared this time. I know that things wont go as planned, I know Allah have always given me the best. I know this because I have the best Mum ever. Whatever happens, I wont get too attached to the plan I drafted but make sure to love what Allah gives instead. Allah akan lorongkan jalan. always. I believe in that.

So, here I am. kosong-kosong.

Well. Not entirely kosong-kosong. I know in my (almost) 21 years alive, I lived. I have been in spelling competition and story telling in primary school. I tried Tae Kwon Do and Piano in my secondary school. in my tertiary education, I went hiking, I joined debate club, I won a debate competition, I made lifetime friends, I finally made a decision in my own life: I'm gonna choose my next school. I'm gonna aim higher. I even polish my drawing and art skills because I want to be a fashion designer, even though I took a science stream in my secondary school! I keep telling myself, I am better than this. I should start showing my potential. Who knows what's next? KLFW? London Runway?


by Nora Amelia