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When I was younger, I had these...thoughts.
It wasn't really nice thoughts.
It started when I was 12. I did some things that shouldn't be explained here. I feel stupid and dumb.
I thought I grew up from all that.
But here I am more than 10 years later, the thoughts came back.

I would say that it was triggered by my sister's friend. I don't really know her.
But my sister post it up as a status and me ending up asking whats up with the status.

Her friend is having suicidal thoughts. She's 16 years old. Older than when I first got those thoughts.
I told my sister what someone had told me when I tried to do something to myself.

"If you really wanted to do it, you would have done it by now."

But I didn't.

And so I tried to understand why it was more important for me to stay than to leave.

My thoughts wasn't like, "What if I die this way". It was more of like, "What will happen if I die?"

Its always things like, "everyone will go through life just as it is." I would think that it would be much of a better place if I die already.

I thought these thoughts wouldn't come back.

But they did.

I got depressed thinking about not able to achieve anything in time. What if I would just end up not being successful. What if I just become a housewife who lives off from her husband?
I feel I'm just so ambitious but some set backs made me bitter about life.

I'd hate myself if I couldn't achieve my dream.

I always had tiny goals that I want to achieve.

for the past 2 years I'm trying to achieve 45kg as my weight. I thought having 47kg is already alright for me. But my boyfriend wanted me to hit that target.

I was enthusiastic. I tried all methods that might work. Some did but I just couldn't reach lower than 47kg.

I got sad. For not hitting that target.

I feel pressured. Sometimes I wish I have eating disorder so I could actually stop myself from eating.

This just adds up to the depression mode for the whole two weeks.

I do recite the Quran every morning so I could at least feel a bit closer to Allah. I tried to feel better but its hard to just be instantly 'happy'.

"Mental tak kuat. Cakap sikit dah down."

You don't know why I'm like this. You don't have the right to say that.

To be so ambitious but stuck in reverse is such a hard life to live.

I hope these thoughts wouldn't come back;