Let me shout my FREEDOM !

SPM IS OVER!
Its really over. REALLY.
Okay, I really don't know what to do now. Hmm, should I laze for a whole month or should I do some kind of a project. I asked ummi this and she replied that I should first finish pack my stuff, put them nicely in boxes and THEN I can think what I should do next. *cries* I don't wanna move..not YET.

Oh the horror.

Well, on the way home, I told ummi,
"I want you to meet my boyfriend."
"Okay, sure. You're going to show me your boyfriend ?"
*nervous*"Uh-huh." Then I babbled on that I haven't told Wafi yet, I mean, I told him, he hasn't replied yet.
She smiled.
"Why are you smiling?"
"'cause I'm gonna meet my son-in-law"

OMG.

Laugh

Why do we get cramps when we stretch and yawn at the same time?

Anyway//
We studied together before our exams. Though we were studying, we weren't that focus. Well, I wasn't, I don't know about him, maybe he was focus.

I love it when we smiled at each other every once in a while. Then I giggled even when he wasn't trying to be funny. Why do girls do that? I have no idea, but it was all an accident. Its like the laughter is always ready to burst out and there's no way to control it.

Oh
I want to hold your hand - Thanks! the Beatles ;)

What If ?

Have you ever had those 'what if' moments when you look at something and started to think of illogical things. What if you wake up one morning and saw that the sun is green instead of a large fireball up in the sky. Will the sky be green to ? Will it change to purple ?
These thoughts twist your imagination to a higher level.

These series of 'what if' questions could create another whole world. It may be wonderful and sweet like candy. Or it may be sad and gloomy like...reality ?

What's your world like ?

Silly -_- "

Its silly.
I used to count the days to my birthday. When October comes, the first of October I would start my count down. 9 days, I wrote a little note in my mind.

When I was about to turn thirteen, we had to do a project about our family. and In my report, I included my birth certificate. I saw it written there : 09.10.1993 @ 4.57am
Since then, on my birthday, I would wake up earlier than usual so on that exact moment, I could wish me happy birthday and make a wish.

Every birthday, I would ask for Handphone. but I guess that device bore me now. Or maybe I'm just getting old.
Tujuh Belas. I didn't ask for anything. I don't want to ask for anything. I don't wanna be called as a spoiled little brat. So, God, help me to contain all my wants. I'm grateful for all I get.

Tujuh Belas

I woke up at 4.50am, well, actually Fluffy was the one who wake me. My cat wished me a happy birthday and I pet him.

4.57am
"Happy Birthday to me, oh yay."

I unwrap a present from Ashley, could you believe it, I actually cried when I saw it. Its hard and square. A book. A collection of poetry in one book. I smiled. I always loved all those poems and such. I always want a book of poems but never actually go look for it.

For that, thank you dear friend, for finding things that I never had the chance to look for.
You'd think that things will get better after that, well not exactly.

Everyone was still asleep on their cozy cloud pillows. I made my way to the living room, hoping to find a decent movie on HBO. The curious case of Benjamin Button.

Ben was sailing with Captain Mike when suddenly Ummi came down and just looking cranky. Abah came down too a little after. They started to fight. God, oh I wish I wasn't there that morning. and if today was just an ordinary day, I wouldn't care if they do it. but it was my birthday. I felt hurt as if a broken piece of glass was used to cut my chest, then stab my heart again. and again.

On my birthday, my parents quarrel. that's my present. thank you, but no, I don't want that present. They didn't even wish me a happy birthday at first. Ummi left to a majlis and wish me a happy birthday before that.

Along sent a picture of me that she had taken before with a message :
"Happy Old Day, Old Lady ! (^_^)"
Well, haha, thank you older lady ! :D

Then Abah sent me a message, happy birthday and all that. but he could have just wish me face to face. He was in the same house. IDK, IDC.

Wafi told me he had some kind of a surprise for me. but what surprise would it be if I knew about it ?

I have to wait till Monday.

Yes, Monday.

To all of those who stayed up till midnight and straight away messaged me Happy Birthday, thanks you guys ! I love you.
and also to all who remembered. Thanks :)

Say Cheese !

The Raya Celebration

I took a quick shower that cold morning. But before I enter the bathroom, I charged the digital camera's battery and let it run. I took a little more time in wearing my tudung. After one last check in the mirror, I have to admit, I look neat and great.

6.20am ! I put in the food I have to bring to a bag. Then I rush to the door and ride to school. Apparently, the rain hadn't stop and I got wet when I got off the car. And my tudung feels a bit crooked. Oh, not today, please, I prayed. Make me look good today. hehe

In my class I could see my friends from the hostel, all dry and looking astonishing in their baju kurung. I couldn't see what I look like but I bet I look ugly then because of the wet in the rain. I put down my bag, then I realised ! I left the camera at home ! I feel a little regret and angry as this would be my last raya celebration at school.

But I guess I didn't need the camera. ;) somebody already took a lot of my picture. You stalker ! :D My friends teased me. I laughed, I blushed until I couldn't wipe that smile off my face ! At the end of all that, I got to take pictures with my sayang. Basically he is just 20cm taller than me. So, I sat on the teacher's table when we took pictures. This doesn't solve my height problem. But by then, I'm just glad I don't feel short anymore. HAHA

So, if I get a hold of those pictures, I'll upload them here. ;) I hope I will.

Peningkatan Prestasi ?

Blog, I'm sorry I neglected you for a long time now. I guess, its that time in life when the real world looks better than the fantasy life. I can't believe I just said that. :O

I mean, I hate that SPM is near and I am NOT actually positively ever ready for it. But having Wafi around makes the world look brighter and colourful. Its never black and white again. Can you tell I'm madly in love? HAHA.

Anyways, focus Nora, focus. My oh-so-great knowledge in History has given me a D for my trial grade. Wait, did I get a D or an E actually ? Either way, its totally bad. Flush it down the toilet. Seriously. Oh, as oppose to my declining grade, Wafi actually improved a lot of subjects; his Mathematics, English and probably Additional Mathematics. This earns him a big hug from me. *hugs* Good job, dear !

Raya Holiday

Raya Holiday is here ! whoot. But as soon as the school reopens, SPM candidates in Kuching for Zon A are gonna sit for Trial examination. Just Great.

Well, raya puas-puas while it lasted. I wish I could raya with Wafi this year and the next raya, and the next. He seems really disappointed when I told him that I am celebrating Raya at KL and Perak. I miss him already.

Ummi, Abah, angah nak duduk kat Kuching lepas SPM boleh ? tak nak jauh dari Wafi lama-lama. Ataupun, kita kena visit Kuching selalu, dapat mek mengubat rindu kamek. :D Wafi dah janji nak mbak kamek jalan-jalan around Kuching bila nya dah ambik lesen. tapi lamanyaaaa. sik pa, mek nunggu k. HAHA. okay tak my bahasa sarawak ? ;p

Hujan

It was a very heavy down pour. I look at the path to the bus stop, should I run there? I look at the person next to me. We are still under the school's roof. Watching the rain fall. I smiled at him. I don't know what he's thinking about but he smiled back at me. I was thinking about playing in the rain. Dancing in the rain, like no one's watching. I place my hand behind my back, oh, my schoolbag. I reconsider the idea, I don't want any of my books to be wet. I cross that in my mind full of lists.

I hate waiting for the rain to stop, let me play in the rain ! I hate being the nice girl who wouldn't dare to do any wrong. Why ? because he's beside me. I turn around, leaving him alone, and head for the hostel. Maybe I could borrow an umbrella from anyone.

Barbara was happily to lend me hers. Thanks ! I went to the place I was before, but he was gone. He left already and I walked sadly alone in the rain. I hate myself.

Peroid Pains during Puasa

Baru je nak kata, tahun ni aku puasa penuh la, takde pun tertinggal lagi. haha. Mulut masin ? Mungkin jugak. Dah lah datang time 10 hari terakhir puasa.

Anxiety swings, depression, tension, moodiness.

Haha, whatever lah. Been listening to Elvis Presley, Frank Sinatra and a bit of the Beatles. Why am I suddenly 'into' old songs? Does this sudden interest comes with the menstrual cycle?

If you have time, listen to;
*Elvis Presley
-I Can't Stop Falling In Love With You
-Love Me Tender

*Frank Sinatra
-My Way

*Beatles
-I Wanna Hold Your Hand

*Barry Manilow
-I Can't Smile

Jiwang ? mungkin.

Bollocks

Tak. I am NOT jealous. tak kesah.
Let me say this again; I am not jealous.

Do you know that it hurts badly ?
Do you know I'm sad ?
Do you know I'm probably lying ?

Abdul Wafi

before (07.07.2010)

me : kenapa kita tak pernah cakap kat sekolah ah ?
Waaafi : erm, sebab mek malu.
me : ha ? bukan laki takleh malu ke ? hee :)
Waaafi : erm, guys, uh, guys are shy towards the girl they like. uhm.
me : (confused, but I wasn't that naive) wait, Wafi, are you saying that you like me ? or did I misinterpret the message ?
Waaafi : yes, Nora. mek mengaku.
me : (almost dropped the phone) OMG.
*lebih kurang macam tu laa.

Everything went smoothly after that :)

after(present)
imagine that I'm on cloud nine. imagine that your heart yearns to see that person. always glancing towards that person's direction. hoping to see that smile, and make everything alright. When a crappy day comes, he'll bring the laughter.

dia lawak : suka wat orang gelak sampai sakit perut. haha
dia jiwang : ayat berbunga-bunga, my sayang (:
dia rajin : well, dia rajin if I'm rajin. and I'm rajin when he is. we're dependent on each other.
suara merdu : suka sangat bila dengar dia mengaji, suara dia nyanyi masa dalam kelas ( jatuh hati terus terpikat punya lah )

*

me : sebenarnya, Nora dah jatuh hati kat Wafi sejak pertengahan tahun lepas lagi. :)
Waaafi : I've fallen for you since you entered the school. you were the new girl and I couldn't even talk to you.

*

I Tak Mati Lagi

I know, I've been away from some people for like really long. Some tend to forget about me, some are just there to remember. Kita memang rapat dulu, tapi mungkin tak, maybe it was all in my head. The part where we would laugh as we would try out new things together. and when I cried and you watched to comfort ?

I remembered the details as if it was really special to me. It is special. but probably not to you. I'm sorry that I actually have to move masa form 2, I'm sorry I am not your best friend anymore. I'm sorry I am not your cool friends with those DSLR and those clothes. I am no one. I get it.

You moved on, I did too, but maybe some of the past is attached with me. The past; its grip hold on to me until I could remember it and memories those moments that may be useful for the future.
I am insignificant.

Pergi lah dengan mereka. Aku tetap aku. Aku tidak layak. Terima Kasih.

One Month

Yay. tak perasan pun dah sebulan.

I love Wafie my Boyfie and possibly future Hubby C:
I hope we'll stay together and go through forever.

Sayang, love you

Braces oh Braces

Gigi besiku akan dibuka. YAY YAY YAY.

I can't wait for that day to happen but srsly, I bet I'll miss my braces. well, I had a dentist appointment today. Doktor kata : dah lurus dah gigi ! dah boleh buka dah ni.

D's Assistant : Yay, dah boleh buka ! (muka excited)
I was excited too! then,
Doktor : hari ni takde technician lah. tak dpt nak buka.
me : (frowning) Jadi nk buka bila lah ?
Doktor : next appointment.
me : (happy again) bila next appointment, doktor ?
Doktor : lepas raya
me : (smile on the outside)Oh, thank you doktor.

When I went outside, "OMG, WHATTHEHELL. penat tunggu sejam kat dpan tmpat reception. semangat ponteng sekolah ingat nak buka braces." I grunted. The receptionist gave me a look. I smiled at him. haha, I wasn't complaining :)

tunggu :

two months.

two months.

two months.

Bai bai Along

I left the house in a hurry. rushing to get to tuition in time. Well, not really on time, considering I was already late. There was no time to say a long good bye.

I hugged her hoping it wouldn't be our last hug. I head for the door and get into the car. Ummi slowly backing off the driveway. and out we go. Along watched me go and I watched her watching me leave. I waved my last good bye.

Her flight was at 6pm. My tuition ends at 6pm. Its just impossible to be at the airport.

I miss you old lady ! :D

His dad passed away

Ya Allah, kuatkan lah hatinya. Bimbinglah jiwanya. Semoga dia dapat menerima semua ini.

Wafi, be strong. I'll be here for you. I'm sorry sayang.

I know he's a great dad and you love him very much.

Thanks Encik Othman for letting me be with Wafi

Dentist call kot ?

Well, i realize that i am paranoid. the number bukan sekolah yang call. number sekolah laen dari yg misscall ari tuh. but who called to be exact ? what are the odds of having a mysterious miss call on the same day that probably the teachers are calling you from the school's office, after they caught your boyfie's hp that full of messages from you? either way, i am so relieved.

haha, panic je lebih.

maybe there is a good thing having him 'handphoneless' haha. now, Wafi started to talk to me at school. well, he blushed, i blushed. we blushed. it was a cute moment. then he get a bit gagap which is cute, okay ? i gagap jugak ;)

he says, 'sunyi' takde hp. sapa suroh bawak hp ke sekolah ! :D

i miss getting messages from him

aww Bainaa :)

Seriously, babe. i love you. dulu masa kita sama sekolah pun tak serapat ni. i mean, this proves that we can be close even if we are far from each other. you are like a star. shining brightly and always be there for the moon at night. :)

its not that i don't trust anyone here at kuching. its just that i am more comfortable talking to you about my love life and anything related to it. thanks for being a good listener. :)

Bainaa, my sayang

I'm innocent. really.

Seriously. He is the one who brought his hand phone to school. Then got caught. Kena rampas. Then when I reached home, I got 2 miss calls apparently from school's office. Damn la u.

Now, I bet the school's gonna call me to the counselor's office tomorrow and "talk" or should I say, being interrogated. Either way, I hope everything will work out soon. I'm telling myself "What's the worse that could happen? They'll call my parents, and guess what, my mom knows about him already and his parents knows about me already. "

Its all to calm me down, but guess what ? I am not calm. This is not the way I planned my last year of high school would be. I bet the teachers would look at me in a weird way now.

Maybe I'm just being paranoid ?
Pray that they'll let me go lightly

Dear God II

I know that I shouldn't actually love something more than I love You. Astagfirullah. I don't want to love someone more than I love You. Ya Allah, help me become stronger everyday to overcome these feelings. Ya Allah, let him see that no love is greater than Your love.

Pulang kakak ku pulang

yeah, she's here, we watched movie. me, my mom and my sis, lol Girls Night Out. it turned out okay. I missed her.
I wanna watch Eclipse but it was sold out ! :( bummer.

Lies

Do you promise to tell the truth and only the truth ?
-Yes

I'm scared that if I continue on with this relationship, I'll get pretty much distracted and couldn't study well. I know, I'm giving this a try. but what if I accidentally follow my parent's footsteps and hurt him? I don't wanna do that. ever. Am I really gonna take this risk, on him?

I mean, I am his first gf. ever. and he cherish me so. I love him, but I'm scared that I'll leave him someday and couldn't do any of those things we've planned.
I don't want to get so attached, then leave with tears. I don't wanna go through that phase again.
tak nak pindah. not yet.
D:

hey mister mister

I do

Received a text message:

"in the future, and i've become a mas pilot, had sent my family to Haji, would you be my 'Teman Seumur Hidup' ; would you marry me ?"

9.52PM 17.07.10

♥
wafie my boyfie

Everyone knows :O

His parents knows about us ! He told them. They're being so supportive. like, whoa. idk if it is a good thing or a bad thing. I mean, if this relationship has involved parents, it means that everything is official. Its not like i don't want to get official. Its just that, I'm bloody scared if things don't work out and I would put to blame. and I hate guilt. Guilt is pure EVIL. haha

also, Mahathir, Mackenzie, and Azlan knows about it too. They saw Waaafi smiled (his oh-so-charming-smile) at me in class and suspected something.

Therefore, I must tell Ashley sooner or later, or else, well, total chaos. I hate it when Ashley is like in a bad mood. and when she hates someone. Its always filled with rage. I'm scared of those rage. and I didn't mean to not-telling her about it, but is just the topic hasn't come up yet.

OHMYGAWD.

Dear God

Dear God, aku lalai setelah mengenali dia. aku sering lupa. Ya Allah, bantulah diriku untuk menyintaiMu lebih dari apa pun. Please don't get me too distracted. Kuatkan lah cintaku padaMu seiring dengan cinta akan RasulMu, ibu bapaku serta dia(jika kami sudah di tentukan untuk bersama). Janganlah berikan diriku lalai.
Ya Allah, bukakan lah hati ku untuk mengenali agamaMu dengan lebih mendalam.

Jealous

Yes, this is the feeling that usually comes after being with a partner. I am jealous 'cause the fact that he is mine ( well, yes ) but no one seems to know about us and that some other girls tend to be really close to him. really close. well, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. but I debated with myself that probably, possibly that he is usually like that, even before we were together. but that is no exception ! and I don't wanna be a bad gf by telling him to stay away from his friends (aka the girls).

anyways ! he read that post on fb ! the one that me and Baina talked about ice creams and that our boyfie should treat us ice creams of our choice. haha, then he texted me.

"Lpas spm, insyaallah kita pergi jalan k. ambik lesen lok. you want to choose your fav ice cream don't you ?"
♥

wafie my boyfie

it feels nice to say that ;)

Love is in the air

I looked around aaaand couples everywhere. whoa, guess we're not the only ones. kan, sayang ?
here's the thing. we didn't go around and tell everyone that we're together. It'll be our little secret.
Which I've only told one person : Baina ♥ .

No one has to know. as long as we both know ;)

Happy Birthday to Ummi and the 4 kittens !

Its ummi's birthday ! Muffin, our cat gave birth to 5 kittens as a present to Ummi.
HAHA
Its such a wonderful day !
I'll upload pics once I get a nice shot of them. comel lah beb !

cintaaa ;)

what can i say ? you made me believe in love again. i love you for that.

*i suka tengok mata you.
->ye ke ? bila pulak you tengok mata i ?
*you tak perasan ke?
->takpun -.-
*i selalu curi pandang nak tengok mata you. bila you toleh, i cepat2 tengok tempat laen.
-> ^___^

LOL, i translated his bahasa sarawak to our normal malay ;)

mek sayang kitak eh.

i started to smile often again ;) everything happened so fast ! it all started last Tuesday, 29.06.2010. his birthday.

Change is directly proportional to time.

Do you still remember the old faces that is in your memory ? The ones that you thought they'd play a minor role in your life. Do you ever thought what would happen to them now ? I mean, they are somebody that actually got you smile once upon a time ago. or they had got you cry about the most silly things. Either way, they are important. Why? 'cause they are involved in your life even you like it or not. These memories are bittersweet.

There's someone in my memory. Before, she is this, slightly overweight girl, almost little people associate with her. well, let me tell you now that she looks anorexic and great, actually. she has a new hairdo and of course wardrobe. Never underestimate the power what make up would do.
Long story short, she looks awesome.

See how time could change you?

text. send.

Texting with him is awesome. time flies easily. idk where it flies to but it just sorta poof away. Let me rephrase that; Time poofs away whenever he appears in my mind. I'm loving it !

well, he says he has something to tell me. but only when the time is right. OH MY GOSH. tell me now laa ;)

Chocolates makes everything better ;)

Really. I gave him chocolates as a birthday present. Yes, its a bit late to give him a pressie since his birthday was on Tuesday.

Early in the morning I asked Cindy to give the chocolate to him. I'd faint before I could do anything so its better to let Cindy do it. well, he took it and thank me at the end of the day. there were sparks, the way he had said my name. and oh, I smiled and felt myself blushing ;)

I'm loving every moment. yes, McDonalds, I'm loving it !

Mahkamah Syariah Islam Sarawak :o

We went to the Mahkahmah Syariah today. It was fun but the perbicaraan was boring. I repeat, BORING. Anyway, the best part was,
1) we didn't have to be in a class. No learning. ;)
2) we get to spent time together. ppl took a lot of pics but I had forgotten to bring my cam or my phone. RUGI. menyesal tahap maksima,
3) we went to the nearest mall, Hopoh. and well, I had ice cream. It was YUMMY.
4) the part where W tries to take my pic. I noticed some flashes and camera sounds but when I turned to the source, it was HIM holding his cam phone. then he wants me to pose for a smile. I blushed and turned away. he doesn't have a pic of me, at least i don't think he doesn't. :D If he does, I wanna seeee

Therefore we could conclude that,

iloveWafibutheprobablydoesn'tloveme ;)

Happy Birthday to my buah hatii ;)

I tried not to be a spoil brat. Really. I did. Mom, Dad, you can't really blame me if i want everything in sight. Its just that you guys had always did buys these luxury for me. So, its kinda hard for me not to get any, anymore. You have raised this child into a spoil brat. I'm not criticizing on your ways to raise a child, but really, if you don't want me to be a materialistic adult someday, you could have at least held back a few things. Thank you.

Its fake Chanel. I know. I hate fake stuff. Though it cost nearly as much as the real Chanel watch, I want the real thing. I really don't need a watch to cost that much, anyway. My average price for a watch would be for like, RM90 - RM150 . and that's just fine with me. but giving me a RM300 watch, is just too much for me to wear it on my wrist. Its heavy. and cost too dearly to me. Why do you want me to wear something that expensive to school?

My friends don't wear anything that expensive. I mean, in KL, like everything must be branded and really mahal. but here, I just wanted to fit in. srsly. i love them to death but i don't want them to get offended because they couldn't afford it too. and really, all i wanted was a watch.

I am so picky. sorry. I should have just shut up a little while ago.

I wish I could give a present to my buah hati today. but obviously, everyone would think that i am just so weird. tiba2 jak want to give pressie.
ilysm,W :)

Additional Mathematics Project Work 2010

Dear God, I have to finish this additional mathematics project but I'm easily distracted by facebook, internet, television, novels and also this blogsite. Give me strength to push all these desires and finish this additional mathematics project in less than 1 and a half day left before school starts and no freedom shall ever come.

Okay, panic had just kicked in. My palms are sweating. I don't know if I'll make it in time. I guess I have this huge fear of not finishing assignments. Well, anyway, when that feeling comes, I'd just panicked and don't know what to do...and freeze. WTH, this is not convenient at all? I have to finish this whether I liked it or not. and I don't.

The monkey writes;annoyance

Abah's getting a bit over protective that it gets annoying. What can I say, he loves Ummi but its just that he doesn't know what to do about it. and Ummi always think badly of Abah. I hate being the monkey in the middle. ugh. I hate listening to them. I hate thinking of what will happen next. I hate everything I see. I hate everything, mainly. I hate being here. Can I run away ?

stalker in the making

awak, say tau awak suka kat dia
tapi apa saya kisah
saya suka kat awak

orang tak tahu
semua kata awak pelik
saya suka pelik
orang tak faham


i realize i sounded so stalker-ish and extremely desperate
well, haha to that. this is my blog. i can write whatever i like. ;)

hey, i need your opinion. should i tell him?
in my world, every one's opinion matters.

Room for Rent

Today, on Mother's Day. I saw tears. we all held back but tears are stronger.
Along went to Matrik in Perak. we sent her to the airport. I did not cry. I cried the night before and early this morning, where no one will see.

I don't know which part is sad for me. the fact that my sister is going on with life and someday I'm going to leave too or the part that I have to be in charge around the house now. As if my little sisters would ever listen to me.

Either way, I guess the only person that actually listens to me when I had problems and complications is her. The only person that knows the secret jokes between these sisters. I never told her that, but I would just assume that she knows. I'm scared that I'm going to face complications without her. I mean, I hope everything is going to be fine.

I should be talking about my mother on Mother's Day. Instead, I'm talking about my sister. My mom cried, she could not believe that her daughter is going away. but really, we all are going to miss her. The room would be silent most of the time now that she's gone. It already has.

Ummiku hanya seorang

Ummi,
aku minta maaf.
aku bersalah. namun aku menafi.
bukannya aku sengaja.
akulah manusia yang paling rugi.
Ummi, maafkan anakmu ini.
Ummi, aku tak dapat hendak menerima semua ini.
aku menjadi gila.
hanya kerana mencuba memahami.
aku menjadi gila.
apabila ingin berbaik lagi.
aku tak dapat.
tetapi tidaklah aku berfikir
untuk mencari.
kerana Ummiku hanya seorang.

i miss you, ummi.

Attention whore

Aku tak faham. sungguh.

Wujudkah aku di dunia mu?

Wasn't I there when he says Hi to Ashley? I mean, he sat behind us in class but he only acknowledge her. I mean, am I really that invisible? ugh. I would go sit somewhere else if it wasn't because the teacher assign me to be Ash's mentor for mathematics.

He craves for her attention. Attention whore. (BUT WHY?!)

I don't like him.

I hate him.

I despise him.

REALLY. really..


I'm turning into dust. shrink Nora, shrink.
death is calling you

life brief candle

LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
and so, let me sing
this oh so sad song
sigh in between those sorrow
and find faith in tomorrow

i'm scared of tomorrow. tomorrow. tomorrow.
tomorrow is unexpected. anything could happen.
like today, from my observation (not stalking !), i learn that
W macam ada hati kat seseorang. I know that it's not me. ;(

I, hereby declare that I should not even LOOK at guys for none of them is for me.

I am invisible.
Just like during mathematics lesson,

everyone is supposed to take turns to give answers for the question given. teacher asked everyone on my row. when it's my turn, I was absolutely ready to give the answer, but she skipped my turn and went for the other person next to me. Dah semangat nak jawab dah. but teacher did not acknowledge my existence. but either way, I don't mind being ignored for the rest of the year so I don't have to figure out the answers for the equations. ;)

Therefore, we can conclude that
ice-cream on waffles are yummy .

AUTOPHOBIA

I can't be alone for so long.

Everyone is going away, some just wont come back. What do I do?
First there was one, she was happy with us. I was happy being with around her. Then things change and chaos kicks in to this fairytale lie. I miss her so much. I wish there was something I could do. I feel useless. powerless. the minority of the mind. What could I do?

One day, I hugged her. I just miss her so much but there was no warmth in that hug. I hugged her body, not her soul. I felt cold and terror. Who are you? I just couldn't hug her anymore. A fear that she's not really there. but Where are you, then?

She left. and never did come back.

One by one. They all left. Leaving their bodies behind and their once soul fled away. The complexity of surviving could not compare to the reasons of living.

AbahUmmiAlongAlangAlissaDaneetaDayahBainaSuhanaThuraiyaAthieraNabilaNana

W ♥

THE PAIN AND SUFFERING OF THE SUNBURN

It burns.
Really. My eyes are red, my nose is extremely itchy sticky and icky, and when I touched it, it hurts.
We had sports day. YEAH ! GO WALLABIES ! haha,
I ran for 100M, but got last place with 18s++ ;(
The next day, I ran for 800M and got fifth place. well, at least its not the last place.
no photos. SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT MY CAM AND PHONE. ugh - _ -"

Hari Permuafakatan (II) '10

I told ummi. I told abah. I reminded ummi. but I forgot to ask abah if he will be the one to talk to teacher. For the first time in my life, I'm scared of what teacher will tell them.

Before this, it was like, I'm a good student. I did my homework. I never missed an assignment. There's nothing to worry about.

but that was before. This year, my result is going down. I did some of my homework. I never did any essays or karangan. The truth is, the only subject that I don't mind doing homework is Additional Mathematics. Yes, the only homework that I constantly check. Well because teacher will give us demerits if we don't. Really. My Bahasa Melayu teacher had threatened (just to scare us) with demerits. Its either homework or demerits. but I don't give a damn much about that.

I hope I hope I hope that teacher says good things about me. Things like; she pays attention in class, she never sleeps during any of my lessons unlike somebody, and and that she listens to my advices. Good good things.

WISH ME LUCK ON SATURDAY.

The day of Thirst.

A few weeks ago, Thursday.
Stupid Stupid Thursday.

You lied to me with your eyes
time passes and guilt too
then the cat was out
What to do? What to do?
came what once fade
conscience torture with pain
then guilt sentence you to death
and bye bye You go with rain

I don't love you.

I'm not thinking straight.
I'm not thinking straight.
I'm not thinking straight.

I don't love you.
'cause love's a lie.
I don't think about you.
'cause you don't think of me.
I don't want you to hurt me too.

This heart is fragile.
This heart means nothing to you.

This brain is telling you to stop giving lovey-dovey heart signals to my heart.
( Oh thank you brain. ) Thank you for functioning well, I think.
These eyes will stop looking.
These ears are not listening.
This mouth is hushed up.

but really. This is hard.

Do you know you're making me confused?! I hate you.
I am jealous 'cause you're talking with my best friend without acknowledging me !

I miss my mom.
I miss my dad.
I miss my family.
;(

I'm going crazy. HELP.

I don't know how they can act like everything's normal
when everything is the total opposite.
I wanted to tell you guys but even if I tell you, you can't do anything much.
Its all up to me to turn this situation around.
Sorry, Hana and Baina.

I don't know what to do. I feel lost.
and everything that I believe in is false.
Love does not exist. not in my world.
I lost the people I care for. but they're not dead.
not yet.

I wanna kill someone.
KNIFE.
STAB STAB STAB

I'm falling apart.
It's been 2 weeks and 2 days now. and I am still not okay.
I don't eat much anymore because I taste guilt for every bite.
I lost 5 kg since then. but no one notice.
even if they did notice, they're not doing anything about it.

I feel dazed for most of the time when I am at school.
I took pills to make the head ache go away.
I wasn't paying much attention at school.
I feel stupid as the days goes by.
I feel this life is gonna end here.
but it already has.

I'm Sorry.

Dear world.
I want to apologize to my dearest friend. He was just trying to help. I know, I know.
I am being insensitive. I am being stupid. because I am. yes, I am.
Sorry that you don't understand me. I am very complex. I've been very simple so everyone would understand me. but now, let me be stupid for a while. just for a little while.

I'm not okay. I am never okay.

I'm not good with apologizes anymore. I'm not good at anything. but, I'm sorry Sameer. guilt hurt WAY bad than stomach pain. and NO, this is not an April fool's joke.

I am currently hating a person that I had actually trust the most. and she had betrayed my trust. I feel stupid for not expecting this. I saw all the clues but I buried it deep inside my heart so that I wont get hurt.
but I did.
Its all too hard for me to accept this BS.

Send me to the shrink will you? Classified details.
I can't tell you more than this. but, I know, I'll crack soon enough if I don't talk to someone.

and sigh

I wish to be somewhere else.
I wish to be anywhere else but here.
I wish I could fly.
I wish I am high.

then, be someone else today.

but all I could do is sigh
and lay on my bed
to think of all the wishes

that will never happen.

DIE. DIE. DIE.

Okay, people might call me a bit crazy, like really crazy. I did addmath homework in class and suddenly broke down and cry; "shut up! shut up! shut up!"

and Ashley was sitting beside me looked at me in a state of confusion; "I didn't say anything...?"

yeah, teacher was writing something on the board and I didn't look around to find anyone that heard me. my vision was clouded. and three straight days after that, I had very ill-looking eyes.

I was really pissed off on that morning. I couldn't study. I couldn't eat. I couldn't think straight.

DIE. DIE. DIE.
I chant a word that I want something to happen. I chant it 3 times as if I was doing a spell. or a wish to be granted.

it didn't work. nothing works. all is just to calm me down.

I don't wanna go to school. I don't wanna stay at home. I don't wanna be here.

I wish, I wish, I wish
that all of this did not happen.
that they would stop.
that I could die.

I believe that I couldn't survive. survive SPM. surviving life.

and yes Nora, nobody reads this. because this is crap.

Meg Cabot, Meg Cabot, Meg Cabot

after looking at Meg Cabot's pictures in photo shoots and stuff, and looking at my teacher's lovely face at school, I realize that MY ENGLISH TEACHER LOOKS LIKE MEG CABOT ;) both are beautiful.

Enough about that, THERE'S GONNA BE A MOVIE ON AVALON HIGH. LIKE, OH. MY. GOD. I hope it's good. It better be. haha,

and THERE'S ALSO GONNA BE A MOVIE ON THE MEDIATOR SERIES. I can't wait. I'm hyper super freaking excited about it.

and ! THE NEW AIRHEAD:RUNWAY BOOK also by Meg Cabot is going to be out on the month of MAY. PLEASE, I CAN'T CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT. THIS IS HUGE for me. I've been waiting patiently for it. EVERY TIME I went to the bookstore, I'll search for that book and after months doing that, I started to google online. YES, I JUST FOUND OUT THAT IT WONT BE OUT TILL MAY.

After having all these excitement, I'm not so bummed out about my Biology result which is 48% only. GREAT. HOW WILL I BE A VETERINARIAN WITH A RESULT LIKE THAT?!

And Abah has started talking about Universities and scholarships to me. The only A+ result I got is Mathematics, I'm not sure how this subject could help me with my career path.

Anyway, I'M HUNGRY. FEED ME FOOD. ;)

So, yeah

uh huh.
Ummi's going to umrah. Alhamdulillah.

I've told Ashley about him. and her reaction was, "Why?!"
Yeah, okay, I don't actually tell her why do I like him.
because I don't know why I like him.
because there's no word for me to express it all out.
Okay, mainly because he has a great voice especially when you hear him recite the Qur'an. but Ashley wont understand that.
like I expected from her, she sat there staring blankly into me and just say, "Oh"

The more I talk to people about this, the more I feel less and less tension when I have to talk to him.

but, I stormed out on Friday. The class monitor is being a jerk. I hate him for no reason. He's annoying, mainly.
He was about to discuss with me and Him about the decorations for our class.

Essay about my future?

I have to think about my future.
Why?
because the teacher wants me to write an essay about 'MY FUTURE PLANS'.
That's it, I expect to have a short future but we all can't just guess when is our death. Its best to just live with whatever happens.
I'm scared that when I plan things for tomorrow and did not have the chance to actually do it, I will leave everything with regrets.
Regret to actually plan it, regret to actually plan for nothing at all.
I'm scared to actually falling in love and not getting to tell him that.
I'm scared of whatever happens next. its unexpected.
I'm such a coward.

Since it's English's homework, I HAVE to do it.
I did a draft about my future plan.
I reread it and feel like a liar.
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
and the guilt kills me.

I feel like if all my plans were written in a paper, I would actually have to FOLLOW it.
and I'm bored of following the lines. I'm not going to be happy that way. and yet, when will I feel happy?

I had not hand in the essay, yet.
I'll rewrite it, okay Madam ?

Should I close my eyes and go ?

I wonder why your gaze wont meet mine when I talk to you?
I had gathered all my confidence just to talk to you. and its hard for me to do that considering that I actually want to say something else to you.
but, why cant all the tension ease when we talk ?
why do you actually feel relaxed when you're talking to Ashley? and why not me?
yes, this concerns me.
I am jealous.

I want a long conversation. just us.
I don't want some talk about what paper we're going to use for our class decorations.

I like it when you actually take my side when the others tease me.
because I feel safe.

I actually like staring at you when you're not looking but change my gaze when you do.
but it's a risk just to look at you.
your eyes are just too deep that I get sunk in it.

but I do wonder if all this feelings are love or just something else.

can you tell me, please?

Foreign

Obviously that you had already have that special certain someone in your mind.
No, I don't know who that is.
Yes, I'm sad.
and, I don't want to do anything about it.
I know that I'm not that person that's in your mind. so will you get out of my mind?!

Maybe, I'm only having these feelings towards him because he is the only warmth I felt since moving here.
Cut me some slack will you? Its all still too foreign to me. this moving thing.
The friends.
The environment.
The language.
I feel like a loner.
I guess I had only wanted some attention. from people.

The fact that I had to do that ujian lisan thing for spm is really frustrating to me.
Since they all speak bahasa melayu baku.
and the teacher wants me to correct my bahasa. kalau tak, tolak markah.
which is kind of hard when you've been using that language since you were able to speak.
yeah, I totally talk like this, "sayE, kitE, "
and eventhough the correct one is sayA, kitA .. and so forth.
babe, that's why I chose to speak English here.
where they all don't tease my real accent.
and its not because I want to show off my English.
my bad English language.

I miss them but they don't miss me.

[insert great title here]

I wish that every time I had said something good in my mind and I want to remember it, there's also a piece of paper and a pen to write it all down. <- this is so random.

I feel guilty. every time I eat something, I feel like I don't deserve to eat it. then this little voice in my head would say, "Stop eating, Nora! YOU ARE FAT". then I remembered those little children that don't have any food to eat during wars or going through world hunger. They are SKELETONS. compared to them, I AM FAT.

I feel guilty when I eat the Famous Amos Chocolate Chip Cookies, the little voice in my head said, "Stop, those food are gonna make you fatter!" but I usually ignore that voice. As a result, I am fatter. and that had made me realize, I have no willpower over myself. I feel stupid.

I feel guilty but I can't stop.

Why?

because I don't have self discipline.

Why?

because I'm a wreck. a disappointment.

How could this happen?

IDK. and we all can't be what we want.

and, What do you want to be?

a person. a human being. that has self control. that is attractive. that is intelligent. wise with decision. that can do anything what the heart desires. no cages.

What are you going to do about it?

I wont give up. I will change this. I will change everything.

How?

somehow.



***

that was weird. that would be the little voice. debating, arguing, compromising.

I Wish

I wish that every time you look at me, you'd be looking at me like the way I look at you.
the way that I admire so much.
the way that I look with trust.
the way that I care so much.

No, that will never happen. No guy ever look at me like that. in fact, no guy would ever look at me.

Crap.

He changed, of course, from last year.
Last year, I noticed that he didn't bother to do any homework.
but he always did get better marks.
I bet he had played less RPG and used his time to study.
He's smart but its just that he's lazy.
The fact that he actually did his homework this year made me want to do my homework too.
I don't want him to think that I am lazy in any way. not that he notice
It's stupid that such guy can make me feel I need to do better.
that I can do better. that I can actually do my best in everything.

I tried so hard not to think of him. of course
but the fact is; the more I try, the more I fall in love with him.
Sadly, he will never know.
never.and hope it stays that way
N E V E R


even if it kills me inside that I had not tell a soul about him.
I hope I can shut up about this long enough
until SPM ends
until school ends
until I will never see him again
until I grow old, lonely
and rot to death

Distractions

What can I say, you are very distracting.
I know, I know, you didn't do anything.
and that class is his class too.
I hate having crushes who's also my classmate.
It will distract me from learning. and also there will be problems when I need to talk to you. Surely people will think that I'm weird 'cause I will always find a way not to talk to you.
Yes, we do not talk in class unless its real emergency.
Thank God that we're not in any work group together.
Not just when in class that I see you, but also when I wanted to go to the surau, or the Teacher's room, or the Koperasi, or the canteen. This is stupid, he's in the same school compound, there's no doubt that I will see him a lot.
But I don't expect this much.

WHY MUST YOU BE AT EVERYWHERE I GO?

Who is this guy, you ask?
I've been keeping this as a secret since last year.
Not One Human Being Knows. Even Ashley - Sry Ash.
(Unless somebody read my diary O_o ...*hides diary in super secret hiding place* )

Everywhere I Turn, and there he goes

I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM.
I DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM.
I JUST LIKE HIM LIKE HIM. OKAY?

but, he doesn't like me like me. seriously. I know it.
how do I know that?
Okay, I lied. I don't know that.

Bloody Hell.

and at school, he's like, EVERYWHERE.
everywhere I turn, HE'S there with his friends.
he makes me panic at the sight of him; panic nervous, that is.
I puzzled myself sometimes:Why would I want to get all panic?
It's not like he's looking at my direction, RIGHT?

I once made a promise to myself:
Not to get myself in emotions that can lead me to my misery.
NO. I. CAN'T. HAVE. HIM.
I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!
he DOESN'T LIKE ME.
he DOESN'T EVEN KNOW ME.

I am invisible.
( major LOSER alert )

this sucks x10

Rain, Rain Go Away

Its been raining every morning since school started. Its like a sign to another gloomy day.

I feel tired and I just couldn't focus during class. I know the teacher is teaching something at the board, but somehow I couldn't understand much. oh my, I'm scared that if I don't catch up, I'll get left behind so far until no one could save this dead soul.

Its already Sunday but I still haven't managed to do any homework. Anytime I look at my homework, I'll feel dizzy and get this idea to go fetch something to eat. I wonder if there is any such disease with these symptoms? O_o

I have to stop my piano lessons for a while until SPM ends. when will it end anyway? My piano skills are getting bad. big time. I'm gonna download/print more and more music sheets and practice at home, I hope Ummi doesn't mind if I use her printer.

Anyway, I got a feeling that everyone I love is gonna leave me. Insecure. Paranoid. Anxious. Nervous. Okay, I'll get more vocabularies to use, now that I have my dictionary. Who could have thought that getting a dictionary could affect with such delight? I am content.

School gives me the pimples

Seriously, when school hadn't started, no pimples. but on the first day of school, I woke up with a zit on my forehead. What? Suddenly you develop so much hormones, once school starts?

I missed touching this keyboard. I miss writing here even though all I write is boring stuff. I can't actually write on weekdays since Ummi made a rule about I can only go online on weekends. That sucks.

His magic smile had swept me off my feet when I first saw him before.
I wonder if he knows that his smile could actually make some Ice Princess melt.

Nothing is Permanent but Change

SPM. senior year. a year with endless studying.

Sometimes, I just wished that I could stop time and let a moment last forever. This is my last high school year. DUDE! I wanted it to end fast but at the same time, I don't want it to end at all. All the people we know will be on separate ways. and there's gonna be a lot of changes.

My school principal told me in an assembly; "Nothing is Permanent but Change". She is right. There will always be change. The world hates being in a monotonous way. and whatever we do, there will always be change. That's for sure.

Ashley's going to asrama. ;( Then, who will I be with when recess time comes?