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When I was younger, I had these...thoughts.
It wasn't really nice thoughts.
It started when I was 12. I did some things that shouldn't be explained here. I feel stupid and dumb.
I thought I grew up from all that.
But here I am more than 10 years later, the thoughts came back.

I would say that it was triggered by my sister's friend. I don't really know her.
But my sister post it up as a status and me ending up asking whats up with the status.

Her friend is having suicidal thoughts. She's 16 years old. Older than when I first got those thoughts.
I told my sister what someone had told me when I tried to do something to myself.

"If you really wanted to do it, you would have done it by now."

But I didn't.

And so I tried to understand why it was more important for me to stay than to leave.

My thoughts wasn't like, "What if I die this way". It was more of like, "What will happen if I die?"

Its always things like, "everyone will go through life just as it is." I would think that it would be much of a better place if I die already.

I thought these thoughts wouldn't come back.

But they did.

I got depressed thinking about not able to achieve anything in time. What if I would just end up not being successful. What if I just become a housewife who lives off from her husband?
I feel I'm just so ambitious but some set backs made me bitter about life.

I'd hate myself if I couldn't achieve my dream.

I always had tiny goals that I want to achieve.

for the past 2 years I'm trying to achieve 45kg as my weight. I thought having 47kg is already alright for me. But my boyfriend wanted me to hit that target.

I was enthusiastic. I tried all methods that might work. Some did but I just couldn't reach lower than 47kg.

I got sad. For not hitting that target.

I feel pressured. Sometimes I wish I have eating disorder so I could actually stop myself from eating.

This just adds up to the depression mode for the whole two weeks.

I do recite the Quran every morning so I could at least feel a bit closer to Allah. I tried to feel better but its hard to just be instantly 'happy'.

"Mental tak kuat. Cakap sikit dah down."

You don't know why I'm like this. You don't have the right to say that.

To be so ambitious but stuck in reverse is such a hard life to live.

I hope these thoughts wouldn't come back;

2/28

I wanted to make it as a daily thing but I just lack discipline to do so. But lets just pretend that this is a continuous thing, shall we?

Sometimes I feel lost and I feel angry and I just don't know what to do. I know 20s are the time for all of us to figure things out but I'm almost halfway through to being 30. I thought I got it all figured out but I came back being lost bit by bit.

Maybe I have figured it out before but I just need some reassurance. Maybe I need some courage. Maybe I need some clarification on what to do next.

Well, dear Nora Amelia. You don't always need to know everything. Just learn new things. Figure out what to do when you encounter a problem. Be the better person in every situation. Ummi brought you up very well to clear all these tiny shrub pathways into the real deal: your dream.

Yes, your dream is this beautiful thing that only you, yourself could handle, only you could see it. But if you want others to see it, you must show it through your actions.

I made a schedule on what to do so I could have everything on time nowadays. I need to think clearly. I must be diligent to do all these tiny tasks and see the bigger picture. All these will help you into doing the next thing. You cant just skip the whole process and say, "Hey I'm a fashion designer" , and not knowing what to do. You need plan. You need to devise a strategy.

From now on, I will start posting pictures of what I could do. So people will see my potential. People will know what I am capable of. People will beginning to see my dream taking shape. I will grasp every opportunity that I could ever get. This will open more doors. This is happiness.

Get ready for my baju raya and baju tunang YASSSSS

Taking charge
-Amelia

ps; I want everyone to ponder on how Allah has made us all happier and even better than yesterday. I was sad about something yesterday but it just occurred to me that Allah just gave me that extra push for me to move forward. Like being sad is what you need to feel happy again. Allah is the Greatest. Alhamdulillah.

1/28

I'm starting to learn how to count again. Counting my blessings that is.
Being at home for the semester break have made me less grateful and the negativity is just overwhelming.

This is me trying to have a comeback to the writing world.

Next Monday will be my second semester in Fashion Design Degree. Alhamdulillah. Look how far I have been since my last update.

Over the semester break, I made a few garments. One for Along for her bridesmaid's kurung moden. One for Ummi's school batik uniform. One for her friend. 2 more for her friend's daughter. One for nenek, which I still need to adjust the hip area was a bit snug on nenek.
for a total of 2 months, I made 6 outfits.

Yeay

Not exactly a proud number but at least I did some, right?

Other than that, I ran my first half-marathon last January. That is my first 21km woo. I think I could go further after this. Maybe 48km will be in the list pretty soon.
But for now, all my marathon running have to be on pause 'cause I currently have RM21 left in my bank account.

I really need a scholarship soon. Abah and Ummi can't be burden by all this anymore.

All I could do now is to sell instagram accounts for a few hundred ringgits which isn't much if you think about my tuition fee being nearly 10k.

I need to change this.

-Amelia