M.I.A.

Reason for M.I.A. : I have no reason to live.

Kidding, kidding. I'm just messing with ya. Well, I was MIA from blogging 'cause I was at my Nenek's house for the weekend. No internet which means we were playing Saidina with Alissa.
Disconnect to Connect.




I create a text and erase it again. When I reread it, I felt silly and stupid. I hate feeling stupid.

But when I have the guts to press send, I realised I don't have prepaid. Gaaaah.
I'm upset and happy at the same time. I could've been this weak girl who tries to kacau her ex.


Please don't say things like, "Just leave me when you found someone better than me"  :(

Comparisons are easily made once you've had the taste of perfection.
You said move on, where do I go? I guess second best is the one I will know.

Dush

*totally NOT crying right now.

No, I'm not in denial.

No, I can handle this.

Yes, I'm smiling.

Its okay, I'm always like this. 

The one who can't really step up and be strong.
The one who can't raise a voice just to be heard.

Have some confidence lah.
Confidence is not a character you are born with. You have to build it up yourself.  Build a really tall wall so kebal that it wouldn't fall. But if it does, you don't lose anything. Then, you're just gonna be the coward self you are.

Double Dush,

Amelia

Note to self

" Rasulullah bersabda,“Hendaklah kamu bersungguh-sungguh dalam perkara yang memberi manfaat kepadamu, mintalah pertolongan dari Allah dan jangan kamu merasa lemah. Jika kamu ditimpa sesuatu, janganlah pula kamu mengatakan, “kalau aku berbuat itu dan ini, nescaya jadi begini…”. Sebaliknya katakanlah, “itu adalah ketentuan Allah dan apa yang Allah kehendaki pasti akan terjadi”. Sebenarnya perkataan ‘kalau’ itu membuka pintu kepada perbuatan syaitan.” (Hadis riwayat Bukhari)

Allah dah bagi yang terbaik.. :)

Yang terbaik tidak bermaksud yang kita mahu..

Juga tak semestinya yang tertinggi..

Tapi ketentuan ini inshaAllah boleh jadikan kita insan yang lebih baik.. :) "

From Ayu Fazlina's status update

I need to read this again over and over again so I could remember and it becomes a part of my soul. 

Tak susah. Tak susah.

Like feathers

Ever feel like...

everything you ever wanted is there,
right in your hand
Its light as a feather. The lightest ever.
And you grip it very tight so it wouldn't fly away. 

But you also have the things that you hate, and held it in your other hand

Its sticky, like the times you accidentally touch undry glue

Oh, you tried shake it off, flapping your hand up and down

It wont come off. Stuck.

you began collecting all the things you want
and try to get rid the things you don't

one hand open, one hand closed

the more you have the feathers, 

the easier it is for it to fly away

one feather flew, you grief upon

reaching for it, another one goes

Then you have none.

But full of sticky stuff on the other hand

Amelia

The tip

" Assalam, Nora. Sori la ek akak ada terbaca post nora dgn sue n kak az. Akak ingatkan nora dgn sue mmg dpt vet kt umk. Nora nk buat rayuan ek lepas dah masuk sini.? Cani la kan, akak nk bgtau, nora memang betul2 nak ke masuk sini.? Result matrik dulu mcm mana.? Akak nak sarankan, kalau memang nora nekad nak masuk sini, jgn tunggu lepas satu sem ke, satu tahun ke.. Nora datang sini dgn family, buat appointment dgn dekan vet, Dr. Azam. Jumpa dia secara personal, appeal dgn dia. Buat rayuan terus2 depan dia. Jgn ikut cara manual ke surat2 tu semua. Macam tu susah nk dapat.

Akak tau sbb byk classmate akak buat cmtu. Diorg bdk2 diploma yg result tk berapa ok, tp sebab diorg merayu, jumpa dr Azam, diorg dapat masuk sini. Tapi akak ckp awal2 la, dr Azam ni scary sikit. Kena berani depan dia, kena confident. Kena yakinkan dia betul2. So skrg Nora decide la. Nasihat akak, course vet ni ssh. Hence once you decide to be in, there's no way out from here. No giving up, no walking away.  "

Thanks akak Aliya Ros. and Sue, if you're reading this, JOOOOM JUMPA DEKAN VET. Fighting!

Rain Rain Go Away

#currently listening to Missing Piece by David Choi

I accidentally sang out loud (quite loud) without remembering that I'm not alone in this house. Abah belum pergi kerja. I mean, I get it that he just came home from Lebanon on Tuesday. and he didn't go to work yesterday, tapi hari ni? Tak kan tak pergi jgak? Er, whatever.

Its raining, but by the time the kedai-kedai runcit buka, I will go and photostate these sijil and stuff for surat rayuan. Jyeah! Semangat baru, man! haha *gila apa

Gonna feed the animals in the zoo now. Taaa.

*when I say the 'animals', I meant my (8) cats

The singing zoo keeper,

Amelia

Bersyukur

I recite Surah Yaasin so I could relieve my anxious unease mind. Then I read the translation in which I came across one ayat ...
Ayat 73
"....mengapa mereka tidak mahu bersyukur?"

That one sentence slap me hard on my face. I guess I was still wasn't being grateful that I didn't get what I wanted. But a thank you is a must even though it is not what we want.

"Allah nak uji angah lah tu, nak tgk kalau angah bersyukur dgn semua pemberianNya." -Ummi

Allah loves me, thats why He puts me in such state. I shall be a better muslimah. One who will witness more and more obstacles but will fairly see it all as blessings :)

*sorry for the English terbalik, I watched Shakespeare in love just now.

methinks tis a fair play ;)

Amelia

Rant

I don't talk to my Ummi about everything. I mean, I told her about not getting Vet and such. but I didn't talk to her about Wafi. Unless she started asking about him, then I'll have to tell her lah. I managed to tell myself that I CAN DO THIS, I can study Animal Husbandry aaaaaand get to be a Vet later. I AM NOT GIVING UP ON MY DREAM.
All of my friends help out with that part of my problem but I don't know, I'm still in denial with the whole Wafi thing.
Then a voice in my head said,
"Tak pe~ ada hikmah. We are still in contact with each other and stuff. Its not like he's leaving you for some other girl. He's focusing in his studies. You want him to be successful, kan? So, get over him lah, focus on what YOU want to do now."

What do I want? Do you know what I want when I got for UPM last time? I want to go there, but Ummi showed me a PPKS UMK flyer and asked me to apply. I applied. Then, Ummi and Abah opposed to my idea of going to UPM Bintulu.
So I listened to them, siapa nak menyusahkan parents, kan? Here I am, bekas  pelajar PPKS UMK. In which UMK said, kalau dpt 3.5 ke atas, I can apply for Vet. Skrg dah dpt 3.5 pun tak dpt Vet jugak. I feel cheated and betrayed.
Ummi marah, Abah marah. They said, "Baik study kat sini je!" and "Nanti mesti jadi cikgu jugak macam Ummi, bkan boleh dpt kerja sgt dgn degree animal husbandry". I was thinking, "You guys made me go there, kenapa blame me?" I didn't say that out loud. I just hate that they're blaming me. Stop blaming me for being so imperfect and so stupid. All I do is listen to you! I don't want you to blame me. I trust with UMK so that I didn't even think to apply for upu again. Kalau apply, at least I can change my career path and be some sort of Statistician or anything related to Math.

Please. I lost a place to rant on stuff. I don't have someone I'm familiar with to talk to anymore. 

Whatever. I'm gonna appeal for Vet. Let me breathe.

Never okay anymore,

Amelia

The silver lining behind THIS cloud

The more I think about it, the more I believe that Allah has planned all this all along. Who am I to object? So I began listing down all the good things I will when I continue my studies at UMK.

1. Allah tak nak aku boros. Kalau duduk kat Pengkalan Chepa ambil Vet, dekat je dgn bandar. Temptation to shop is high, walaupuan takda byk benda kat Kelantan. Skrg ambil Sains Peternakan, blaja kat UMK kampus Jeli --very, very far from town. Jimat duit simpanan! :D
2. Most of my friends will be studying at Jeli too. Kalau nora tiba-tiba putus harapan, I have them to back me up and puuuuuussh me to success. Haha, I love you guys <3
3. Ada Along kat Jeli. Its a good thing lah. Kalau nak balik, dapat lah naik bas sama-sama. kan? I seriously don't know the way to travel in small small secluded area like Jeli. Err, call me city girl but I never fall too far from town area. I can DO this!
4. Along took the same course as me. Which means, I can ask her to teach me stuff~ Like, so that I can score high pointers so I can transfer to Vet course for next semester. Okay! I am roaring ready to reach my DREAM!
5. 
   

I'll rack my brain again later for more BENEFITS/GOOD THINGS. To be continued. Watch this space, mmkay?

La tahzan. Innallaha ma'ana. (Jangan bersedih. Allah bersama kita.)

Ayu posted this on my fb wall.

Thanks to everyone trying to cheer me up :)

and for those who cared enough to ask me how am I holding on with things. 

Thanks Ainaa. Thanks Nurul.

Thanks Mahir. Thanks Bie. Thanks Sue.

Thanks Ayu.

Thank you endlessly to Ummi for all the support.

and those who are not mention here, thanks. 

I didn't get what I planned. Allah knows best for me.

I realised I have to extend the studying to two more whole years than to those who get DVM Degree straight away. I have a total of 6 years to be a Vet, that includes 

Degree in Animal Husbandry and Master in Vet.

Insya'Allah <3

A pocket full of hope,

Amelia

Missing Piece - David Choi

There is a missing beat

Inside of me

The rhythm of my heart

Hits unevenly

There's a missing piece

Inside of me

I'm annoying

Burung apa?
Burung Murai.


Burung apa?
Burung Murai.



Burung apa?
Burung Murai.


Thanks for bearing with the annoying things I did.

Pathetically Pitiful

I am an alien monsta. Beware~ boo.

Why did I say that?
Because~ mata saya sepet dan bengkak macam alien pun ada.

I maturely getting over this with a smile. I am single but not available thing will keep me away from distractions of reaching closer to Allah.
I guess this is how Allah answered my doa of "Please let me know You a little more. Don't make me do things that You hate, Ya Allah."

Thanks for answering my prayers :)

I guess this is what Ummi said, "I don't lean on anybody else but Allah."
She said it when she realises that she can't trust anyone else or depend on anyone except for Allah.

Brand new sheet of paper,

Amelia

Bad News/Good News situation

You want the bad news first or good news first?

I'll tell you the news in one short sentence. Okay? So listen.

I am RM300 richer but I have no boyfriend any more. 
No, no. I didn't sell him and get the money or anything. Those two information wasn't related but it just happened at the same day.

Money related news
Me and three other PPKS UMK students were invited to
"MAJLIS SAMBUTAN HARI GURU DAN PELANCARAN HARI KECEMERLANGAN AKADEMIK KOLEJ MARA KULIM SESI 2012/2013"

It says so in this letter.

So, Ummi drove us to Kulim, with Jill (our GPS. yes, we named her Jill). Kalau tak da GPS, rasanya kami tak sampai Kulim. Ummi never drives at long distance trips. And we stopped at every 1 hour and a half. Which is the best thing to do every time you feel sleepy.
In Kulim we slept at Hotel Seri Malaysia. Its not Hilton or any thing, but its a place to stay for a night :)

The next day we check out after breakfast and went to the event. And here's a pic of PPKS UMK students with their sijil and envelope of cash <3

What am I gonna do with the money?

 I'm gonna open up a Maybank ASB account lah :)

So here's the sad/bad news.

Single but not available

It took me a few minutes to start to write this part of the post.

*deep breath* professional mode initiation.

On the way home to Kulim, about 4.30pm, I think, Wafi texted me. He made a sad face. Thats it. A sad smiley face. And I thought, this must be bad news. I bravely text back, "Kenapa buat muka sedih?".

He told me that his sister knew about us. And she wants him to focus on his studies before he could think about love. And I was like, "I think you should listen to your sister." 'Cause its the mature thing to do, you know? I regret saying that. But you can't be childish forever.

"Then, kita skrg?"

"Single but not available. Will you wait for me?"

"Yes, forever."

"You can still talk to me about any thing, if you have probs that you can't talk to others."

"You too, tell me anything that you want to share"

Then there was like, no signal for maxis and it didn't send right away. Then Wafi text to my celcom number. "you must be crying right now."

I'm like, DO YOU KNOW THAT ITS HARD NOT TO CRY IN THE CAR WHEN YOU KNOW YOU JUST HAD A BREAK UP, THROUGH A TEXT MESSAGE? I was keeping a straight face because I was sitting next to the driver's seat. I held back every tear but some escaped my eyes. I was trying not to  look weak in front of Ummi. So I blink a few times until the tears are gone. I can't really pretend to be asleep, nanti Ummi pun mengantok. So stayed awake trying to digest what just happened. Then I started to cry again. But don't worry, I'm a pro at this. The last time I cried sitting next to the drivers seat was when I was going to tuition for SPM, and Abah was driving. My parents fought just before we left the house. Its not something you could just forget and go to tuition like nothing happened. Abah didn't see me silent cry.

After some thinking, I thought, the least I deserve was a phone call. Dah lah dpt text je. Gaaaaaaaaaaah. I know, we can't talk in the car anyway. He said he'd call later that night. 

He did. We talked until he fell asleep and I did the same thing I did when I know he's asleep. I talked to him about how I really feel. The best part is that he can't hear me cause he's sleeping. I didn't talk long any way. A few minutes later, he ran out of credit. The call ended.

Oh, which reminds me....Credit.

Letters

I just watched Dear John for the second time. But this time, I actually watched it from the beginning. You know, when you only watch the second half of the movie, you don't actually quite get it. 


The movie made me cried and shout at the tv, "No, John. Don't burn those letters. Don't go."


*deep breaths* Okay, time to get professional. 


Dear John inspired me to talk about my parents. When my dad went to serve the country, in Bosnia, my parents used to write letters to each other. It was hard to actually call. We only get calls from him a few times when he was there. Yes, my dad actually write a letter. He wrote about how he missed us all in Malaysia. Ummi read his letters to us, we were still in kindergarten then. It was only me and Along at that time. It was hard for Ummi. So, we tried super hard to help Ummi out around the house. I guess that's how we feel responsible for things. and my adik-adik are not. 


And! we were sooo into Barbie dolls back then. When Abah is somewhere near a town area, He'll buy us dolls and new doll clothes. We were really looking forward to every time we get mails.  He knows that if Along gets one, I would want one too. Even if its only Along's birthday, I get one pressie too. We used to have a swing in our house, and we'd unwrap the parcel from Abah there. and then bring out a big blanket to cover the swing so that it becomes sort of like a house. Main pondok-pondok lah :) 


It would be nice to write and get letters, huh? If only.

Write to me,

Amelia

Everyday of the week

Monday : Oh, mesti dia penat kat sekolah, baik takyah kacau.

Tuesday : Hari tu dia kata ada ragbi, tiap2 selasa ada ragbi practice kot? Boh ganggu nya eh. Mesti penat.

Wednesday : My sisters are at kokurikulum. dia pun koku jugak lah tu.

Thursday : Malam Jumaat ni..jangan kacau dia nak beribadah tu.

Friday : Last time I call him on a Friday night, he pretended that he isn't doing anything but as I pry more, he was actually doing his presentation for Sejarah. And I feel bad for calling him. Better not call or bother him Fridays. Ever.

Saturday : So many things happen on Saturdays, I mean, its the only time we get our off day, right?

Sunday : Esok nak sekolah. He has to get ready for school the next day. Biar dia tidur awal.

In conclusion, I have no conclusion.

Oh wait. In a nutshell, just wait (like a crazy desperate sucker) for him to text you when he's free. I hate that conclusion. 

Oh well,

Amelia

Quiet time with a book and a cat

I switched off the tv so I could have a quiet time with a book. Since I don't have to worry about Kak alang or Alissa today. They're at school and wont be back until evening. So the house is all mine. Muahaha.


I forgot to mention that the house gets pretty quiet. Well, not too quiet. Fluffy likes to sing. Like, really sing.


So after a few hours burying my nose in the book, I began to lose focus and direct my focus to my cats.
Here's what I get (yeay bullet points):

• Fluffy likes to sing which is translated to "I'm hungry", "Give me attention", "I'm gonna pee here, behind the front door so you pay attention to me" and if he's running down from the stairs 'singing', he's saying : "I saw some creepy weird things upstairs, probably an evil spirit, don't go there."
• Muffin, the mama bear. looks younger than her real age. wait...all cats are?
• Oreo is a white fluff ball...and fat which is so hug-able.
• Jubleg (its javanese or bahasa jawa) means cute and chubby, thats what my Ummi said lah. correct me if I'm wrong, I'm not pure Jawa.
• Shadow : likes to play with her shadow and her own reflection on the floor. Loves to panjat high places. She's the cat spiderman. She hates sunshine. I mean, really. When we took her outside, under the sun, all she does is scratching the front door to get in. But I love her endlessly :)
• Princess : her fur is white but with a dash of gray. She has the most perfect fur ever. So fluffy and so graceful.
• PB & J, which is  Peanut Butter and Jelly. They're both the babies that was born on Chinese New Year, the Year of the Dragon. Ummi thinks they're very energetic compared to other cats in our house because Dragons are fierce. 
• Peanut Butter or PB has brownish, blackish fur. very very manja. My mum mistakes her for being a male. We don't know for sure. At first, her name is Ivy, then its Boboiboy so, we changed it to a unisex name so it wont make her feel like she has a gender problem. Now she's PB.
• Jelly is gray and white. has pink nose. she likes to chase things. and we sometimes call her janggut cause the gray part of fur somehow covered her chin which looks like a beard. But every time Along call her janggut, I'd say Bearded lady. haha, uhm, um. No, not funny. She's too adorable to make fun at :P
• Do you know that cat's pupils will dilate if they take interest in something? Its much cuter when their eyes are that way.
• Pets are trained in their own language or how the owners talk to them. I speak Manglish (Malay-English) to my cats. But if you speak Sarawak malay or even chinese to my cats, I don't think they'd understand.  Like my mum's friend's cat in France, Ummi tried speaking English to them and they didn't respond. Speak French and they're all ears.

If you can't count or confused, I have 8 cats right now. All pure persian. but Ummi said, if Muffin suddenly have another litter of kittens, we probably will be selling them :( Nooooo

Observer,

Amelia

Shut up, malware.

Freaking malware tried to stop me from blogging. Hah! take that! dapat pun kat firefox. I suddenly like you again, firefox. I'm sorry for the times I said that you are slow and that I ditched you for google chrome.

Thanks to Nurul, for she was the one suggesting it. Never occurred to me to try it on a different window.

Saved by Nurul and Firefox,

Amelia

I LOVE YOU

Nifsu Syaaban

"Dari Al-Zuhri bahawa Rasulullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam bersabda maksudnya : "Tidak akan masuk syurga bagi yang memutuskan silaturahim".
(Riwayat Al-Imam Muslim)


Dear Allah, forgive me. Help me set aside my ego to beg for forgiveness for which I have wronged. 

Never a plan

Dear Imaginary Readers, 
I don't know how the page view counting is rising even though I strongly believe that no one reads this veryboringandunhelpful blog except for Wafi (who stallks this occasionally, but he's busy, I doubt he reads this lately). 


Anyway, after watching Lissa and Ummi off to school, I quietly sat on the couch and read a novel by Diane Messidoro. Then, I heard our next door neighbour, Aunty Ida, called for her persian (fat) cat, Toby. She likes to refer herself as 'Mama' for Toby because she doesn't have any kids. But yes, she's married to Uncle Faisal for as long as I've lived in Jalan Margosa. Bukan rezeki mereka kot. 


Which made me think: they probably didn't plan for that to happen (the fact that they're married but no kids), right? They must have wanted to watch their children grow and then grow old with each other, like other couples do. Then it hit me! What if my life turn out to be that way? No kids but a cat. I would probably get Shadow (my cat, she's awesome) to live with me. I guess I have to redha with whatever Allah plans for me. 

I used (a lot of) brackets today,

Amelia