Hari Permuafakatan (II) '10

I told ummi. I told abah. I reminded ummi. but I forgot to ask abah if he will be the one to talk to teacher. For the first time in my life, I'm scared of what teacher will tell them.

Before this, it was like, I'm a good student. I did my homework. I never missed an assignment. There's nothing to worry about.

but that was before. This year, my result is going down. I did some of my homework. I never did any essays or karangan. The truth is, the only subject that I don't mind doing homework is Additional Mathematics. Yes, the only homework that I constantly check. Well because teacher will give us demerits if we don't. Really. My Bahasa Melayu teacher had threatened (just to scare us) with demerits. Its either homework or demerits. but I don't give a damn much about that.

I hope I hope I hope that teacher says good things about me. Things like; she pays attention in class, she never sleeps during any of my lessons unlike somebody, and and that she listens to my advices. Good good things.

WISH ME LUCK ON SATURDAY.

The day of Thirst.

A few weeks ago, Thursday.
Stupid Stupid Thursday.

You lied to me with your eyes
time passes and guilt too
then the cat was out
What to do? What to do?
came what once fade
conscience torture with pain
then guilt sentence you to death
and bye bye You go with rain

I don't love you.

I'm not thinking straight.
I'm not thinking straight.
I'm not thinking straight.

I don't love you.
'cause love's a lie.
I don't think about you.
'cause you don't think of me.
I don't want you to hurt me too.

This heart is fragile.
This heart means nothing to you.

This brain is telling you to stop giving lovey-dovey heart signals to my heart.
( Oh thank you brain. ) Thank you for functioning well, I think.
These eyes will stop looking.
These ears are not listening.
This mouth is hushed up.

but really. This is hard.

Do you know you're making me confused?! I hate you.
I am jealous 'cause you're talking with my best friend without acknowledging me !

I miss my mom.
I miss my dad.
I miss my family.
;(

I'm going crazy. HELP.

I don't know how they can act like everything's normal
when everything is the total opposite.
I wanted to tell you guys but even if I tell you, you can't do anything much.
Its all up to me to turn this situation around.
Sorry, Hana and Baina.

I don't know what to do. I feel lost.
and everything that I believe in is false.
Love does not exist. not in my world.
I lost the people I care for. but they're not dead.
not yet.

I wanna kill someone.
KNIFE.
STAB STAB STAB

I'm falling apart.
It's been 2 weeks and 2 days now. and I am still not okay.
I don't eat much anymore because I taste guilt for every bite.
I lost 5 kg since then. but no one notice.
even if they did notice, they're not doing anything about it.

I feel dazed for most of the time when I am at school.
I took pills to make the head ache go away.
I wasn't paying much attention at school.
I feel stupid as the days goes by.
I feel this life is gonna end here.
but it already has.

I'm Sorry.

Dear world.
I want to apologize to my dearest friend. He was just trying to help. I know, I know.
I am being insensitive. I am being stupid. because I am. yes, I am.
Sorry that you don't understand me. I am very complex. I've been very simple so everyone would understand me. but now, let me be stupid for a while. just for a little while.

I'm not okay. I am never okay.

I'm not good with apologizes anymore. I'm not good at anything. but, I'm sorry Sameer. guilt hurt WAY bad than stomach pain. and NO, this is not an April fool's joke.

I am currently hating a person that I had actually trust the most. and she had betrayed my trust. I feel stupid for not expecting this. I saw all the clues but I buried it deep inside my heart so that I wont get hurt.
but I did.
Its all too hard for me to accept this BS.

Send me to the shrink will you? Classified details.
I can't tell you more than this. but, I know, I'll crack soon enough if I don't talk to someone.