Title : Aku pengecut

I told Wafi that I miss writing here in my blog and that I would start writing when I feel like I have a topic to write about.

Its not like I haven't thought of anything; its because I had thought about a lot of things and these thoughts got mixed and jumbled up together that I don't know what to write about. See how my mind is so disorganized?

Its a week midterm break. I have a few things to cross off my checklist. Some of it are reviewing/studying my chapters for all subjects, getting a Marimo and research for this topic for our next debate meeting.

Speaking of debate meetings. I don't think I want to involve anymore. It was fun at first but when it comes to projecting your voice on certain topics that you are not familiar with, you began to shrink and shrivel to miniature size. This is where confidence play the part. You can say anything and people believe you...if you have the confidence to lie.

Even how many times you tell yourself that you are better and you can do it and you can fake it to  make it, you would still be this 'pengecut'. You know, there will always be this 'suara halus' or this alternate self saying that you can't do this, you can't achieve that and whatnot.

After a while of running away, and dodging the word 'pengecut', I realise that I made reasons why I don't want to do this and that. I mean, I told myself that I don't wanna join debating again because it discusses things that I don't think I care about. You talk, you argue and point fingers. And even if they do talk about the things that I care about, I would still be at the losing team. I keep telling myself that I'm not good enough. I know I'm not.

Sometimes you just need one person to believe in you. Just one.

Thank you

Amelia

Going

Its not that I have nothing to say. Its just that I think I should only say good good things. No badmouthing anyone. I need to get out of this environment.

Oh what have I become.

Oh Darling

Rational

It takes me less than 5 seconds to fall in love with this pair of shoes. If I have all the money in the world and eating is not essential, I would definitely buy this straight away. huhu.

But as you grew older you will definitely try to constrain yourself from making rush decisions. When I the person pm-ed me the price I am sooooo heartbroken that they could not be mine. huu. RM144 is a lot when you have no job to support your daily spendings. I could last for 3 weeks of food with that kind of money.

Anyone generous enough to buy me this? haha. Takpaaaaa nanti kot kot ada kasut yg lagi cantik and lagi murah...mana tahu kann? ;) Pandai nk pujuk hati kan. =__=

The Fluttershy

I'm an introvert.

I like to do things alone sometimes. That will be the time for me to just think and listen to myself. Because when you are in a crowd, you tend to listen, eavesdrop on every conversation and try to get as many information as you get. Instead of listening to yourself.

Also, I'm quiet around people I'm not familiar with.  Even if they try to include me into their conversations, I just can’t come up with anything. Maybe I'm just blank at that time. Sometimes I wonder why I'm like that.

I'm the kind of person who would find the colour of the sky as interesting. I like to notice the little things. You know, if you wear a red dress, it’s just a red dress. But if you put on some gold bangles with a pair of wedges, it becomes an outfit. I like to point out to the things I like. Don’t be surprised if you don’t know me and I come up to you and say, “I like your shoes”. Weird I am. Yes.

I walk alone more than I am with a group of people. I don’t mind being by myself. I say this because I know a person who just can’t go anywhere by herself. She just needs someone accompany her everywhere. So if you see me somewhere walking alone, don’t say that I am alone because I get abandon. I'm alone by choice. Not by force. I'm not an outcast.

Plus, when I'm alone, I actually get this feeling at ease because when there’s something wrong, I’d like turn to Allah, instead of ranting to other people. If you go complaining to other people, that would just make you sound ungrateful, kan?

I have no idea where this post is inspired from. Maybe I just need this to justify myself, so I can be left alone to do my on things sometimes. And oh! New semester is coming. New semester : new junior. More people. Crowded. I hate crowded places. Hard to focus.

Wish me luck.

This was on 5th September.*

Choice or Chance?

What determines our destiny? Is it our choice? Or by chance?

In my almost 20 years on earth, I often think that choice determines or fate but as I ponder more, chance has the joystick to this game of life. The part where I get this animal husbandry course instead of Vet, me meeting Wafi, me even moved to Kuching in my Form 3. Most of it is determined by chance.

Sometimes we tried our best but somehow we end up having the crappy controller. In which we have to learn its ways to get better; be better. I mean, we don’t always get our ways but we just have to be flexible and be the best that we can. Why dwell on things that aren't worth to converse over? A healthy discussion would mean having 2 or more people throwing ideas and thoughts on things. If not, it would just be a monologue. Thus, the monologue could be positive or negative, depending on how full is your glass.

I realised I somehow become the glass-is-half-empty-kind of person. Which is not good. Not good at all. Where does all of this negativity is coming from? I used to be the neutral type with a pinch of positivity and smiles. Now I'm in the scale of everything-is-not-good-enough. Ugh, ungrateful much?

I need to flip that switch.

First step? I have to be aware on what face am I putting on. If I am having the frown face, I just have to remind myself to smile, even if it’s not entirely sincere. Being polite is superior to being sincere. But I'm not saying that being sincere is not vital.

Having sincerity is the key to making everything better. I try to be as honest as I can when I'm talking and even writing here in the blog.

I need to get my creative juices going. Ps; I miss you.