Should I close my eyes and go ?

I wonder why your gaze wont meet mine when I talk to you?
I had gathered all my confidence just to talk to you. and its hard for me to do that considering that I actually want to say something else to you.
but, why cant all the tension ease when we talk ?
why do you actually feel relaxed when you're talking to Ashley? and why not me?
yes, this concerns me.
I am jealous.

I want a long conversation. just us.
I don't want some talk about what paper we're going to use for our class decorations.

I like it when you actually take my side when the others tease me.
because I feel safe.

I actually like staring at you when you're not looking but change my gaze when you do.
but it's a risk just to look at you.
your eyes are just too deep that I get sunk in it.

but I do wonder if all this feelings are love or just something else.

can you tell me, please?

Foreign

Obviously that you had already have that special certain someone in your mind.
No, I don't know who that is.
Yes, I'm sad.
and, I don't want to do anything about it.
I know that I'm not that person that's in your mind. so will you get out of my mind?!

Maybe, I'm only having these feelings towards him because he is the only warmth I felt since moving here.
Cut me some slack will you? Its all still too foreign to me. this moving thing.
The friends.
The environment.
The language.
I feel like a loner.
I guess I had only wanted some attention. from people.

The fact that I had to do that ujian lisan thing for spm is really frustrating to me.
Since they all speak bahasa melayu baku.
and the teacher wants me to correct my bahasa. kalau tak, tolak markah.
which is kind of hard when you've been using that language since you were able to speak.
yeah, I totally talk like this, "sayE, kitE, "
and eventhough the correct one is sayA, kitA .. and so forth.
babe, that's why I chose to speak English here.
where they all don't tease my real accent.
and its not because I want to show off my English.
my bad English language.

I miss them but they don't miss me.

[insert great title here]

I wish that every time I had said something good in my mind and I want to remember it, there's also a piece of paper and a pen to write it all down. <- this is so random.

I feel guilty. every time I eat something, I feel like I don't deserve to eat it. then this little voice in my head would say, "Stop eating, Nora! YOU ARE FAT". then I remembered those little children that don't have any food to eat during wars or going through world hunger. They are SKELETONS. compared to them, I AM FAT.

I feel guilty when I eat the Famous Amos Chocolate Chip Cookies, the little voice in my head said, "Stop, those food are gonna make you fatter!" but I usually ignore that voice. As a result, I am fatter. and that had made me realize, I have no willpower over myself. I feel stupid.

I feel guilty but I can't stop.

Why?

because I don't have self discipline.

Why?

because I'm a wreck. a disappointment.

How could this happen?

IDK. and we all can't be what we want.

and, What do you want to be?

a person. a human being. that has self control. that is attractive. that is intelligent. wise with decision. that can do anything what the heart desires. no cages.

What are you going to do about it?

I wont give up. I will change this. I will change everything.

How?

somehow.



***

that was weird. that would be the little voice. debating, arguing, compromising.

I Wish

I wish that every time you look at me, you'd be looking at me like the way I look at you.
the way that I admire so much.
the way that I look with trust.
the way that I care so much.

No, that will never happen. No guy ever look at me like that. in fact, no guy would ever look at me.

Crap.

He changed, of course, from last year.
Last year, I noticed that he didn't bother to do any homework.
but he always did get better marks.
I bet he had played less RPG and used his time to study.
He's smart but its just that he's lazy.
The fact that he actually did his homework this year made me want to do my homework too.
I don't want him to think that I am lazy in any way. not that he notice
It's stupid that such guy can make me feel I need to do better.
that I can do better. that I can actually do my best in everything.

I tried so hard not to think of him. of course
but the fact is; the more I try, the more I fall in love with him.
Sadly, he will never know.
never.and hope it stays that way
N E V E R


even if it kills me inside that I had not tell a soul about him.
I hope I can shut up about this long enough
until SPM ends
until school ends
until I will never see him again
until I grow old, lonely
and rot to death

Distractions

What can I say, you are very distracting.
I know, I know, you didn't do anything.
and that class is his class too.
I hate having crushes who's also my classmate.
It will distract me from learning. and also there will be problems when I need to talk to you. Surely people will think that I'm weird 'cause I will always find a way not to talk to you.
Yes, we do not talk in class unless its real emergency.
Thank God that we're not in any work group together.
Not just when in class that I see you, but also when I wanted to go to the surau, or the Teacher's room, or the Koperasi, or the canteen. This is stupid, he's in the same school compound, there's no doubt that I will see him a lot.
But I don't expect this much.

WHY MUST YOU BE AT EVERYWHERE I GO?

Who is this guy, you ask?
I've been keeping this as a secret since last year.
Not One Human Being Knows. Even Ashley - Sry Ash.
(Unless somebody read my diary O_o ...*hides diary in super secret hiding place* )