Kosong-kosong

My Mum is an English teacher at a secondary school in Malaysia. She thinks that all her children should have a higher education than her. I second her on that. I wanted to be better. I want to do well.

"Kalau Ummi belajar sampai degree kat Canada, anak-anak Ummi mesti lah tinggi dari tu. Masters ke PhD ke."

I always imagined myself studying abroad for my tertiary level education. I haven't given up yet.

I wanted to be a Veterinarian since I was 14 years old. I think decided on that after I brought home a stray and took care of her. She was still a baby.

My Mum can't imagine myself being a Veterinarian. She had always see me being an English teacher or even an accountant; seeing that my SPM result turn out A+s for English, Maths and Addmaths.

I was stubborn. I didn't want to be a teacher because I know how she has always have to juggle time for her students at school and us at home. She rarely cooks but had fed us well. I didn't want to be an accountant even though I like numbers. I told her that I want to study at UPM, then somehow having my degree or Masters in Australia. I even look up online for Universities that offer Veterinary Medicine. It was a foggy plan but I believe in it. I was confident that someday my plans would work out.

She gave in on me being a Vet but I can't study in UPM because I got a campus in Bintulu. I had never been away from my family before and my Mum had just become my best friend. So, we settled for a foundation in Entrepreneurial Science  which she told me that I can further my degree in Vet later. I was thrilled and scared and excited all at the same time.

When my Grandma asked me what am I gonna study later, I told her I'm gonna be a Vet.

She laughed.

Like it was the silliest thing ever.

"Ingatkan jadi doktor orang. Rupanya doktor haiwan."

I walled up. It hurt a little and I told myself that it wont get to me. Somehow its become etched in my memory.

After three semesters there in foundation, I obtained dean's list for every semester.

"I showed them.", I told myself, feeling smug.

Then it comes the sad part. Dean's list pun tak layak jadi Vet? Penipu.

I feel betrayed and sick. I fell into my second choice course.

Fast forward, three semesters later, my Mum asked me again. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

I was glad she asked. "No."

First day back to Semester 4, I already told my roomies. I want something else. For the entire semester I look up schools for fashion design. Uitm? Kolej Komuniti? London Fashion School?

I was sad to leave my friends but I know I would be sadder to say goodbye to my dream. At the end, my friends would be happy with their own job and life. Where as I might leave some part of me behind. I can't let that happen again. I'm gonna be better. I'm going to be strong.

I never thought I would have this second chance at trying.

I build up new dreams. I set up new goals. I drafted my whole life plan. But I am better prepared this time. I know that things wont go as planned, I know Allah have always given me the best. I know this because I have the best Mum ever. Whatever happens, I wont get too attached to the plan I drafted but make sure to love what Allah gives instead. Allah akan lorongkan jalan. always. I believe in that.

So, here I am. kosong-kosong.

Well. Not entirely kosong-kosong. I know in my (almost) 21 years alive, I lived. I have been in spelling competition and story telling in primary school. I tried Tae Kwon Do and Piano in my secondary school. in my tertiary education, I went hiking, I joined debate club, I won a debate competition, I made lifetime friends, I finally made a decision in my own life: I'm gonna choose my next school. I'm gonna aim higher. I even polish my drawing and art skills because I want to be a fashion designer, even though I took a science stream in my secondary school! I keep telling myself, I am better than this. I should start showing my potential. Who knows what's next? KLFW? London Runway?


by Nora Amelia

Fan Girl

Eric Bana

from movie The Time Traveler's Wife

Alejandro Manzano 

from Boyce Avenue

Gerard Butler

from PS. I Love You

I can see a pattern here. Can you? 

HAHA

Saya bukan pokok

Allow me to clarify.

I might be someone who can't finish a lot of things. Let me tell you, my current degree course has no MQA. My foundation that I went through before that degree, has no MQA certified.

"So, kiranya kalau mohon mana2 University, depa tak terima lah?" Fert asked. I met him in debate club. He was in his fourth year when I was in my first. He founded UMK Desperate Debaters. Also hold an Anugerah Diraja or Anugerah Cancelor when he graduated. Now he's furthering in his PhD.

Yes. that's what happened. But I'm glad I went through all that years, because I might not notice that I like sewing. I like pattern in clothes. I like how the finished product looks like. I liked this when I was in my Foundation, when we have to sell things and I chose to do my own felt keychain and brooch.

If I went to UPM, instead of that foundation, I wouldn't know anything about entrepreneurship, probably. I just wanted to be a Veterinanrian dulu.

In my age of almost turning 21 this year, I realise that I am one of those people who is just trying to figure out what to do with life.

There are people who are lucky enough to know what they want to do in life with first try. While others are still figuring out. But most of them would just settle for what they are given. That's not how it should be. Allah wanted us to rebel and fight for what we want. Its just a test for us to break free from our entire life of slavery; doing things that we don't love.

Let me tell you. It is not too late.

Dulu saya kata saya nak buka animal shelter. Yes, it will happen in the future. Tak semestinya kalau saya tukar ke arah lain, saya tak mungkin nak capai impian tu?

So, please please. Restrain yourself from doubting what I do. I see it clearer on this path. 

I did not waste my years here. I developed. And I'm just applying what I learn. I love how Debate Club teaches me confidence. I love how Kelab Nutrisi taught me that I need to take care of my health and my loved ones, and it teaches me the value of having dreams. and that its possible to achieve. 

"Kita diciptakan sebagai manusia. Kita ada akal. Kalau kamu tak suka hidup kamu sekarang, ubah. Allah dah beri kita keistimewaan untuk berubah.

Lain lah kalau kamu ni pokok. Kalau pokok durian ada impian nak jadi pokok rambutan, tak kan jadi, pokok durian tu tetap pokok durian. Sebab Allah jadikan kita sebagai manusia, khalifah dunia, kita mampu berubah. Kita bukan pokok."

Dr Idros, pengasas Kelab Nutrisi.

So, I found my passion. I'm going towards that.

I need your support. Not your doubts.

Amelia

Loopy

Song: Lets Pretend We're Bunny Rabbits
By: Magnetic Fields

I guess, I like songs that are in that vibe. Like the singer is high or something. I think that guy singing "What does the Fox say?" is not sober. "Anyone Else But You" by The Moldy Peaches are great too. Cute and quirky kind of way. Gimme more Indie.

Its like, feeling high without the drugs, not that I ever had any.

Sorry for the crazy talk. I'm sick. Its not an exam unless I am sick. Probably due to the fact that I have to sit in an air-conditioned room (my seat is directly under the air-con, btw), for two hour and a half. Not to mention my butt feels numb after sitting for so long. -_____-'

Then after all that cold temperature, I have to walk under the hot weather. Plus, petang-petang kat sini hujan lebat after the hot afternoon. My body can't regulate temperature fast enough to adapt.

Not complaining. Just telling you how it is here.

On an unrelated note, I am letting go some of my things. Old sweaters, throwing out my old Converse since I was 16, and some of the things I don't think I need. Can't carry much on my way back to KL. Can't leave things too much either.

So, yeah. G'day to you. Salam Nifsu Syaaban. Don't forget to recite Yaasin tonight and have solat sunat and all that (:

Amelia

Statement

I always thought that numbers are just numbers.

So here's a sentap moment when your partner implies that you should grow up. Yes, he implied, he didn't say it but I knew what he meant. Its just like Ummi saying, "Angah, ummi dahaga lah." She doesn't have to say it, but I knew she wanted me to go get that glass of water for her. 

Each time I'm writing down my age on an application form or something, I wish it is still 20. Now, I have to be reminded that I'm almost 21 and yet still has to figure out what to do with my life. I mean, I have plans, but I don't know what to start with, and how to start it. 

Now, age defines maturity. I never like that statement. But most people in the grown up world think its true. I don't live in that grown up world. But I would have to join that club sometime in the future. Soon, apparently.

The thing is, I feel like I grew up so fast (imagine what Ummi feels). I am probably the most mature among my sisters. No offense to Along, she actually admitted to it. I knew most grown up things when I was 14 years old. But that does not include driving. Haha. 

That was probably the reason why if I'm not around my family, I am this immature little brat, trying to pry attention from people.

Well, you know what. You're right. Fun's over. It's time to grow up. 

But this does not guarantee you that I will be wise up to your expectations. 

Baby steps,

Amelia